During your autism journey, you will come across many obstacles. Life, with or without autism, is not perfect. It does not follow a set course or routine, and everything can change for better or worse in the blink of an eye. It is important, therefore, to be your own best friend on this journey instead of your worst critic. A very powerful way to do this is to stop expecting perfection of yourself or those around you.

Perfectionism is not the same thing as striving to do your best. It is instead an unhealthy and unrealistic obsession with striving to be perfect, often out of fear of failure or harsh judgement. Instead of allowing themselves to make mistakes and grow from them, perfectionists tend to overwhelm themselves with standards that are unfairly high and nearly impossible to achieve. The human brain is designed to constantly evaluate itself and its surroundings; it is constantly comparing how we do things with how others handle those same things. This can be helpful, but only in moderation. Ultimately, we are all living under a set of circumstances that are unique to us and only we can know if what we are doing is enough for our specific situation.

The following are some symptoms of perfectionism:

1. Nothing you do is ever good enough and you constantly feel like a failure

2. You procrastinate regularly, i.e. you keep putting off tasks you need to do, likely out of anxiety or fear of failure

3. You struggle to relax or regulate your emotions in a healthy manner

4. You become very controlling at work or in your relationships and lack flexibility

5. You are burned out, or have been previously

6. You are obsessed with routine, order, rules, lists, etc. 

7. You have become emotionally and mentally numb or completely apathetic (i.e. cannot bring yourself to care about anything anymore)

The irony of perfectionism is that it makes you less resilient and able to attack life’s challenges. It also makes the world a scarier place than it really is because we assume that everyone is judging us only on our productivity or materialistic value, rather than accepting us for who we are, as we are. Our inner critic awakens and tells us that we aren’t deserving of love or acceptance until we meet some unattainably high standard, and thus we enter a never-ending cycle of misery.

As the caretaker of an autistic child, you will need resilience and optimism to get you through your darkest hours, and the first step to achieving this is self forgiveness and self acceptance. When we liberate ourselves from unfair standards, we free those around us from them too. This leads towards a more authentic and genuine lifestyle, where we can all be more honest with each other about our real needs, without fear of judgement. It is far better to admit that you don’t have the answers right now (but are open to finding a solution) than to pretend you have it all together when you don’t. So, do yourself and your child a favour: accept your perfect imperfections.